Lines of humor, oddity, and profundity

I have indicated that I have little money.  A few years ago, I heard that it was healthy to have a collection.  I decided to collect humorous phrases, but have to say that I also throw in some phrases that are just odd, or profound.  I keep writing them down and having them on a bunch of scrap papers.  Once in a while I post them to both share and organize them.

---

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Posted by John Jaeger

Taking an 8 year old to a comedy club is like taking a blind friend to the Grand Canyon. He doesn't get it and everyone else feels uncomfortable. --comedian Dan Cummins

I have a book in the works: “Tolerating Insufferable Egomaniac Authors”.

--Chicago sports talk guy Tom Waddle, appearing on a tv

program with two others who just had books released

If ifs ands and buts were candy and nuts, then everyday would be Christmas.

--Sen. John Boehner

If you can't trust yourself to edit yourself, don't get on Twitter.

--political reporter Ramesh Ponnaru

Seduction, in sports, is spelled with an S with two lines through it.

--Kevin Blackistone

Q: Who is Robert James Ritchie?

A: stage name Kid Rock

The more I practice, the luckier I get. --Arnold Palmer

...there's more bluffing and lying going on here than a Pinocchio convention.

--tv poker commentator

I don't give my husband advice because he doesn't need it.

--Pat Nixon

The opposite of bravery is not cowardice, but conformity.

--Robert Anthony

1^st person: In my humble opinion, (fill in this blank with anything).

2^nd person: I would say, “in my humble opinion,” but that would be a boast.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it, and then misapplying the wrong remedies. --Groucho Marx

If you ain't losin' friends, you ain't growin' up. --Snoop Dogg

There's no better medicine than the next deal.

--collectable auto auctioneer Dana Mecum

Consider the possibilities and weigh them by the probabilities.

--Thomas Peterffy, founder of Interactive Brokers

The person who said, “If you love something, set it free” probably wasn't talking about dollars.

--from an eSurance commercial

If you look annoyed, people always think that you're busy.

--a line of George Costanza character in Seinfeld

Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. The more I perspire, the more of a genius I become.

--First half, unknown; second half, Dick Vitale

“Normal” is a word boring people use to make interesting people feel less special.

--a line from commercial for TV program “Rake”

When the stewardess says, “Fasten your seat belt,” she did not say, “Don your parachutes and assemble by the door.”

Beware of manipulating your givers through “emotional pornography”.

What's the point of talking, if you don't have something important to say?

--”Knight Rider” the car, in a commercial

I hat it when people think that, by raising their voice, they win the argument.

--Mike Greenberg

Thanksgiving with my family—it's popping Xanax like you're Orville Redenbacher.

--what's unreal about this statement is that this was said

to me by a person buying something I had on craigslist

The Wyoming State Bar does not certify any lawyer as a specialist or expert.

--from the fine print in a lawyer's commercial

Therefore, does that mean, to be an expert in Wyoming, don't be a lawyer?

Is there anything you have heard reported today that you believe to be incorrect?

--Rachael Maddow, 5/20/2013, to a number of persons interviewed about tornado in Moore, OK

Character: the power to refrain from doing what one might legally do.

Go make some great memories today.

--CNN's Crist Paul, sign off phrase

If you write something, and it doesn't move you, then throw it in the trash. It's not going to move anyone else.

--Brennan Manning

Too often other are helped by our gifts, but hindered by what we are.

--Watchman Nee, “What Shall This Man Do?”, p. 162

If people trust us, there is no need to explain; if people do not trust us, there is no use in explaining.

--Watchman Nee

Jesus did not give us a system to manage, but a Spirit to follow.

--someone in Australia